This Is Everything.

There will always be a thousand little lies, to cover this & to cover that. Stupid ones, with no explanation because there’s just to many large ones that I refuse to reveal. & it scares the shit out of me, that I will never live a completely honest life with anyone for one reason or the next. Shit’s fucked, dog.

His let him.

Once I have my new phone & new number I will feel fresh, fresh, fresh.

I wish there was a way for me to truly forgive myself for everything I’ve done in the past while at the same time having an understanding that it does not have to make me who I am today. That I can control what’s happening now and what’s going to happen. To many visuals, to many memories. It makes me wish I had someone like Jesus, who died for my sins. So that I knew that they were supposed to happen, & that it’s not as bad as it seems. That I am forgiven, loved, and given another shot. So I consider Christianity…but that’s as far as it goes. Because I know I need a crutch, and me being so needy fucks up my realism; which is the fact the science is science, not magic.

One thing. One person. One situation. How is it that I allow things so low in numbers to completely shatter my conscious?

I have no control over my thoughts, so I have nothing. & I get stuck thinking about everything, which doesn’t get me anything….except tense, anxious, & fucking depressed. I hope that someday soon I will be way to fucking busy to deal with this empty ass fuck girl like feeling.

I need therapy. I need instructions on how to get over this, preferably in the form of a manual that’s known well enough for me to download & put on my Kobo (when I get it.)

Or I’d just take being mind fuck like busy for a very long period of time hoping that when the busyness stops that I will have no recollection of ever feeling that not ok. There’s a chance that I’d go right back into that same feeling, but it’s a risk I’d be willing to take so that I wouldn’t be feeling like this, at this moment.

Because that’s all that ever matters, this moment. & that’s why it’s so crucial that this moment is no longer being affected by those moments, past tense.

I think I feel better. I’m now going to go take a bath & practice meditation.

You just have to have that type of confidence like, regardless of whether it’s with ME or not…the next time that nigga cums he’s going to think of how I used to make him do it. Two in ones, legs on lock. Run & tell that, HOMEBOY.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast & without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”